I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable. – Joseph Addison
Over the past ten months of my life I’ve gone into serious hibernation mode – post traumatic growth disorder sounds about right…I think Smokey the bear is onto something with this yearly reset. Lets just say I went through a mountain instead of climbing one – deep inward reflection was my only path to a deeper understanding. The old axiom, when the student is ready, the teacher appears – has been the story of my life since my breakdown. My world cracked open right along with the end of my marriage to my best friend. Let’s just say I’ve seen way better days (years), as I’m sure he will agree. It was the first time I ever experienced true pain and emotions to a depth I can’t necessarily explain in words. I wish I had a manual on emotional intelligence & conscious living circa 2000 because that would’ve been really cool.
I just want to preface all of my words and details of my story and knowledge before I jump into it. I write all of these words not to justify, blame, judge, or to victimize myself — because if I was here to do that I wouldn’t have learned the teachings behind my fall. A healing journey into truth, remembrance, and love. Healing is the process of accepting all, and choosing best.
Truth is, there were many times throughout this year where I wanted to stop feeling, keep it surface and move on…but something within wasn’t going to let that happen. Every time I thought I had it figured out, the Universe would knock me over again telling me to feel, heal, and listen. The answers I realize are never far from home, they are found within. When you blame outwardly and search for the answers in the external world you won’t find them, as you know, there are usually 10+ fingers pointed right back at you. Hypocrisy never was that cute, along with the blame games that rival 3 year olds. Materialism and Pessimism are opposites of deep connection.
The only message I was receiving loud and clear was to write a book, I know sounds crazy – I thought so as well…at first I was like not a chance in he*l that I am going to do that – seriously English was my least favorite subject in High School and College – so when this thought came strolling into my mind, I kindly told myself no, no, no. I tried leaving the project many times and moving onto something different – but it almost felt like it wasn’t my decision, the pull felt bigger. Soo, instead of resisting the call, I jumped on ship and started writing – I must say I’m happy I did, and I hope you will be too.
While I have finished Part 1 of the book and have gathered about 300 pages of research, empirical evidence and personal stories – I feel inclined to write on BIB again. While I’m still not finished with the book, I have read and reread the material, stories and wisdom contained within all of the words and notebooks – and I must say I am saddened by some of the choices, self-limiting beliefs/fears, behaviors, and decisions I’ve made in the past – I’ll be the first to tell you, I’m far from perfect – which I’m certain others consider harmful and unforgivable. That’s fair, we all know everyone is entitled to hold their own council.
I invite you to be careful with what you fear & judge, your thoughts & words have immense creative power. Forgiveness is the first step to true love – for yourself and others. Digging through our own junk drawer illuminates some of our fears, pain points and self-limiting beliefs — this is where true self-control is gained. In reflecting, releasing and radiating.
Friends, truth is – we don’t know what’s going on in the world of others, and sadly most of the times we don’t even know whats going on in our own. I learned and experienced the power of the mind, ego and how fear, pain, shame, guilt, anger, sadness, suggestion & repressed emotions will cause you to get really thrown off center – legit catapulted into outer space. A pendulum & a tornado of emotions don’t necessarily see eye to eye.
Though I have profound remorse that it was through others’ pain, I continue to grow, forge meaning, while finding gratitude for the lessons I’ve learned, sharing and continuing to live connected to love. All of the pain that I’ve caused others and that I see around me sits heavy on my heart and I’ll be the first to tell you that I still have a lot to learn, but that’s what life is all about. When we are learning, growing and connecting – we are ALIVE.
I apologize to everybody for the slowness of that learning – never in my worst nightmare would I have predicted this year. The big D word was not in my vocabulary or timeline…. However, I’m grateful for all of the people, friends, and connections I’ve made throughout the last 25 years, you’ve all been amazing teachers and friends – especially you LMS, no words to express the gratitude and love I have for your soul. Through love, forgiveness, and creation I am encouraged to always keep trying – keep on trying – to live a grander vision. I think that’s what life is all about anyways – realizing your infinite human potential.
With all of that being said, I think we can begin again, in love.
My journey towards self-realization, self-love and a search for a deeper connection within started when I was 19 years old. That’s why I created this blog 4 years ago – wowza, time flies. I remember walking around the campus of UofA when a thought came to mind, “everything is connected.” I’m a full blown generalist so I took a wide spectrum of courses – this is when I realized that they all had undeniable & profound overlap. I remember calling my dad and telling him about this philosophical / theoretical thought, a theory of universal connectivity. Pops agreed and laughed it off with me. My deeper sense of knowing and understanding deepened with my introduction to Spirituality by one of my greatest teachers.
Growing up in Las Vegas and going to a Lutheran High School didn’t necessarily offer a platform for philosophical thoughts and spirituality to come on the line. I will tell you though when I took my first philosophy course in college I almost walked out after the first sentence was said. My professor said something along the lines, “If this is not a chair than what is it?” C’mon bro, you’re killing me. My head was spinning. Needless to say, I grew fond of all the great philosophers in due time.
Richard Rohr, a modern day theologian tossed my thought omelet in the universal skillet in 2011 when I attended his 2 day seminar. (ps. the name of my blog came from this seminar – much love RR) From that day forward, I’ve received his daily meditations and I must say I am grateful for his words. I was looking over the notes that I took from the event last week and I started laughing to myself (I tend to do this often), my scribble was relational to some of the bigger messages I was uncovering in my research – I always knew that Rohr saw the symbolism – whoop, whoop – the Universe (cosmos/kosmos), and the metaphysical. One of my favorite lines from Rohr was, “Literalism is the lowest form of reasoning,” seriously — he really got me thinking with that line. While I loved all of his words and they made sense to me logically – I didn’t actually understand the experience and feeling behind the words.
His teachings parallel all of the great contemplatives teachings on non-dual consciousness, vision-logic, Godhead and the illusion of Self. Yeah, it can be a lot to grasp when the Western way has a strong hold on believing the mind is fully evolved and centered in a black and white, this or that, either / or, sinner/saint, up/down (fractured) worldview. Good news, there is a better way, luckily neuroscience and psychology is finally proving that for us over here in the West – where we need research, and quantitative & qualitative data to prove what contemplatives have said for thousands of years (it happens). Mindfulness – it’s the future.
I have come to learn that ignorance is not bliss, it’s actually chaos. Naturally, I needed experience to tie it all together. The power of contrast and polarity….darkness & light, male & female, right & left, good & bad, yin & yang, positive & negative — you get the drift, the beauty is in seeing and holding the opposite – it’s with that insight that you can gain a new set of eyes and a second wing to fly above with love – not fear – peacefully. An objective reality.
I believe, along with many that the symbolism in all the major religions tend to point to the same light. The same light that spirituality focuses on and the same scene that physics and all of science is heading towards, but God is – as William Blake said – in a grain of sand and in a flower. The energy is everywhere.
With globalization, increased connectivity, and information we see all the different cultures, traditions and teachings that surround our wondrous planet – it’s no longer nation/state – it’s planetary – and truthfully, yeah – I think all of these traditions, religions, etc. hold beautiful stories and symbols (for the most part) obvi man got a little carried away with some of their words in a few but power retention makes people do/say crazy things when fear/scarcity is running the show.
The most important truth is the overwhelming calmness and inner peace that comes from acceptance and unconditional love – a knowing and connection within. I wish and pray that for you, you and you. Through these words, I hope I can provide some stepping stones and direction for you so that you too can feel bliss – without all the pain and trauma (I don’t want that for anyone). Through love and wisdom, a path to conscious life and vertical growth sounds pretty rad to me.
Fun fact for you, positive vibes actually have a scientific meaning — studies show that your heart is giving off 5000 times more Electromagnetic waves than your brain. The heart always knows friends…I don’t know about you but that is pretty cool stuff, can you feel the love? You actually can. With that being said, much love to you all.
To understand the human/spiritual (subtle) experience in the physical world I think we need to look at it from all angles, an integrative approach that focuses on everything, the visible and the invisible. When we look at the collective parts, we realize that the whole is much, much more than the sum of all of it’s parts, and that my friends is where we find the beauty in the science to unite the finite with Infinity and the art to experience Infinity in the finite.
As always, take what resonates and leave the rest – strong arms loves.
Smiles & Love. xx Ky